Recognizing the Role of Consent to Improve Workplace Feedback
Feedback is Better with Consent
When was the last time you received feedback in the workplace? Do you remember the conversation? Did you feel empowered in it? Did you walk out of the situation feeling seen and heard? With so many personalities and conversation styles in any given environment there are a multitude of directions feedback can take our minds depending on how the conversation plays out. While some of these directions can be empowering… many aren’t.
Before we examine this, we should recognize the two key roles in every conversation: Speaker and Listener. We often switch roles fluidly in conversations, almost as if negotiating, or perhaps a dance if you will. At any point in time, we fill one role or the other. Speakers deliver and Listeners receive and in that there is an inherent social power dynamic. Yet, both roles always have a choice to participate in a conversation. Recognizing this and holding space for our conversational partner enables Consent.
Consent matters. A powerful statement that brings many different connotations with it. For today let us examine consent within the context of collaboration and feedback in the workplace. To do so, let us tell a story…
Meet Rye.
Rye has started working away on a project proposal for their company, Anywhere Inc, that could be game changing. Like they usually do, Rye has poured themselves into the task. This proposal could mean a great deal to Anywhere Inc. as well as Rye’s own career. A week in, Rye is consumed with the proposal, it fills their thoughts with excitement and inspiration at all hours of the day.
They have a meeting with Max on Friday to discuss the project and are nervous about having their work critiqued. Max is nothing like their previous supervisor… but those old resentments and hesitations remain. Worries linger, they will be told to change parts, to do it X way, and possibly even lose credibility through it all. It’s happened before, why not again?
Max joined Anywhere Inc. recently and has already seen the scars of previous leadership on his team. Thankfully, his previous company afforded him access to amazing leaders, coaches and mentors while supporting his own growth. It was impactful to Max, and he plans to continue the trend for others in his new role here at Anywhere. He is excited for Rye and knows their work will be great based on what he has already seen. He has been working on notes for Rye based on the outline they sent over ahead of time. Max’s notes include a few comments on a point of risk and he knows how he delivers them will be key. It hasn’t taken Max long to learn Rye is an introverted, somewhat reserved, person and not assertive or forwardly confident.
The words of a mentor float through his head as he reads through his notes, “Let people know they can say no, yes, or even counter-offer.” Max prefers to tackle puzzles head on but understands Rye does not. The choices Max makes as he meets with Rye will be important for both Rye’s work, and their working relationship.
The Presentation:
Friday rolls around and Rye’s passion for the project begins to show through as they present. Rye steps into the role of Speaker reluctantly at first, but their excitement breaks through as Max sits patiently as the Listener. Max and Rye are both smiling and excited by the end of the presentation. It will really be something special for Anywhere and Rye will gain some much-deserved recognition for their hard work. When the presentation ends, roles reverse. Max steps into the role of Speaker comfortably but understands the inherent power dynamic that both the role and his position afford him.
“Rye, this is amazing. You should be really proud of this work! You’ve been working hard on it, and it clearly shows.” Rye waits for the “But…” that doesn't come.
“This has been a big project and I know you will knock this out of the park. I’ve only got a few notes for you after this fantastic presentation, a small point of potential risk for the project I noticed. I would like to make sure you’ve got it accounted for. It’s Friday so I’d be happy to put something on the books for early next week. Alternatively, If you have the time and space this afternoon I can share with you today. I trust you though, so if you also don’t want the feedback, you aren’t obligated to take it. Let's take five, then please tell me what works best for you.” In this moment Rye is the one empowered; speechless perhaps but empowered.
“Thanks, Max.”
Max has highlighted a few key lessons for us in this tale with Rye. Rye always has a choice. Perhaps they were not afforded that choice in the past. In their meeting, Max clearly gives Rye the chance to consent to his feedback. Max did three key things here that we should all take away from this.
We see that Max shared his intentions straight out of the gate. He has a particular point of risk he wants to check on. Rye now understands his motives and can know what to expect in Max’s feedback. No surprises. As we saw, Rye has not always been able to trust what has come their way in the workplace. Max is building trust with Rye in recognizing their hard work and clearly stating his intentions.
Secondly, Max recognized Rye’s choice to participate in the conversation. Rye has the agency to chart their own path to receiving, or not receiving, the feedback in a way that works best for them. Max is seeking Rye’s consent by giving them agency in passing the Speaker baton back. As a small, but impactful bonus, Max has given Rye space to process their options and make the choice that's best for them!
To that point, and thirdly, Rye knows they have options. Max has given three potential avenues for Rye that we can categorize as Yes, No, or Counter-Offer. Max has made himself available to Rye by recognizing their needs and providing Rye options to choose now, negotiate something else that works better for them, or perhaps even a flat out no if that is what fits Rye’s needs.
Trust is a key foundation in all relationships. Max and Rye have a fantastic opportunity to build that trust, respect, and succeed as a team thanks to Max ensuring Rye knows they have agency and the choice to consent.
Important lessons for us all. Thank you, Rye and Max!
